Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
