how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
