I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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