why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Randomize
