just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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