It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
