I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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