I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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