He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Randomize
