I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
