god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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