I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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