Capitaan dildo arrescate!
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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