I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
