tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
