the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
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I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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