I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
