I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
