I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
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I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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