I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You can't motorboat a personality
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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