I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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