My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
