so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
