We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
