Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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