How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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