lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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