i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
