Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
