You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
