I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
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I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
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Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER