sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
