420 ftw
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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