covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
she smelled like a LAN party
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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