My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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