i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
