Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
