Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
