Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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