I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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