M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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