My underwear smells like fireworks.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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