Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.