Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
