i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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