Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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