see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
