I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
