Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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