god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
