Me too!
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
