Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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