Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize