you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
