So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
