We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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