he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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