I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
