I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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