You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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