Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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